Update

I'm about 23 weeks pregnant now.  It's a girl!

I think it's time to close up shop on this blog - I don't want to forget what I went through to get here, but it seems like something I want to keep in the past.  There was so much pain and angst whereas now I feel like a great sense of joy is coming. 

Donor eggs is a big decision.  It's expensive.  But I'm so happy I took the plunge.  Everything I've been waiting for is just around the corner (I hope).  And I have a fantastic donor to thank for my happiness.  Modern medicine is truly fantastic.

Best of luck to everyone on their journey and I hope you end up right where you meant to - enjoy the ride!

12 weeks

I'm 12 weeks!  We made it!

I had my first OB appointment last week.  My OB has also used donor eggs - I didn't know that going in, but was pleasantly surprised.  Perhaps that doesn't convey my overall enthusiasm for a doctor that shares that much of his personal life to put a patient at ease.  He gets it and I love that!

We had another ultrasound and I saw an arm moving.  It was so weird.  I thought I would cry, but I just kept thinking I'm really pregnant.  After all this time I'm really pregnant.

Which brings me to my next topic.  Telling people.  When we told people, most people were jumping up and down excited for us.  But I'm not.  Is it because I'm too scared?  Probably.  I think I will bring new meaning to the term 'Helicopter Mom.'

Graduation

I've officially graduated to a real OB!  My first appointment is next Wednesday.

I feel like I've gained 20 lbs, but I've actually lost 5 lbs.  I haven't thrown up yet, but I make sure to eat small meals throughout the day.  I'm happy.  I'm still really scared and freaked out, but mostly I'm happy.

Is this really going to happen? 

(still keeping my fingers crossed!)

Heartbeat

We had the ultrasound on Wednesday.  One little tiny embryo with a heart beating at about 124.  Everything looked good and we are scheduled for another ultrasound with the RE in two weeks. 

My boobs hurt and sometimes I feel like I might throw up, but I eat some gluten free pretzels and I'm fine.  My RE added PIO shots, so my butt hurts too.  I'm also using the Crinone gel which I've never used before.  All small prices to pay.

The day after my ultrasound I had a very small gush of blood.  It was bright red.  Just a drop in my underwear the size of a quarter.  I thought I was going to pass out.  I was at work and remember reciting to myself, do not freak out, do not freak out, you cannot freak out. 

I walked back to my office, grabbed a maxi pad and went back to the bathroom.  I thought there would be more blood on my underwear, but there wasn't.  Sorry if too much information, but I felt around to see if there were any clots or lots of blood.  There wasn't.  I put the pad on and paced in the bathroom for a bit.  Then I said whatever will be, will be.  I cannot control this.

I text my husband because I was too scared to call him.  I emailed my IVF nurse.  Then I took a deep breath and went to my meeting fully expecting a gush of blood to start.  It didn't.  My husband texted me back during the meeting and I told him what happened.  He said it could be anything (he is a MD too) and we will just have to wait.  The nurse called and said my hormone levels were great and that spotting happens sometimes.  Just have to wait and see. 

I didn't have any more bleeding.  Just a few little drips onto the pad.  It stopped.  No cramps.

 To say I'm scared for our next ultrasound would possibly be the understatement of the year.  But whatever will be, will be.  I hope my little peanut can hang in there. 

2nd Beta

215

Thank you universe!

Will try not to engage in daily panic attacks until we have OB scan.

My husband has ordered every pregnancy book under the sun.  I am too afraid to read them although I did peek at one, but then felt guilty and put it away. 

We've decided to tell no one (except my  mom who knows all about the donor, etc).  However, my best friend's birthday is this weekend and she wants to do a tour of wineries.  How does one not drink on a winery tour?  This should be interesting....

Beta

75

Back to the doc on Wednesday with my fingers crossed.  And toes and eyes...you get the idea.

Worried and cautiously optimistic....

HPT Report

I woke up at 4:30 am from the weirdest dream.  In the dream I was walking around the town where I went to college, browsing in the cute stores that surround the campus.  I've done this a thousand times in real life - not really an earth shattering dream.  The weird part was that I was carrying around a bowl of my urine in anticipation of a pregnancy test.  It's a bowl I know well - I got it on the clearance table at World Market and is the perfect size for just about any dish.  (Disclosure: I did not, nor do I ever intend to fill it with my urine).

I got up and went into the bathroom.  I peed in cup and then stuck the dip stick in and counted.  Pulled it out, put the cap on,and then set it on the counter.   Walked into my closet and thought I might puke.  Told myself I was ready for plan B - and that I would just keep swimming, just keep going if it was negative.  (I've also put pictures of fish swimming on my iPhone screen saver - yes, I'm weird). 

I walked back to the counter and looked at the test.  There was a regular dark pink line but right next to it was a faint pink line.  I peered closer.  Then I went to find the instructions.  The line got darker.  Not as dark as the first line, but it was still there.  It was positive.  I'm pregnant!  I can't even believe I'm saying it; I never thought it would happen!

I woke my husband up and he immediately said, Let me see it.  Then he hugged me and said he was scared.  I said me too.  He said this doesn't mean we are going to take home a baby.  And I said I know.  But for today, I'm pregnant and I'm happy.  And grateful.