Update

I'm about 23 weeks pregnant now.  It's a girl!

I think it's time to close up shop on this blog - I don't want to forget what I went through to get here, but it seems like something I want to keep in the past.  There was so much pain and angst whereas now I feel like a great sense of joy is coming. 

Donor eggs is a big decision.  It's expensive.  But I'm so happy I took the plunge.  Everything I've been waiting for is just around the corner (I hope).  And I have a fantastic donor to thank for my happiness.  Modern medicine is truly fantastic.

Best of luck to everyone on their journey and I hope you end up right where you meant to - enjoy the ride!

12 weeks

I'm 12 weeks!  We made it!

I had my first OB appointment last week.  My OB has also used donor eggs - I didn't know that going in, but was pleasantly surprised.  Perhaps that doesn't convey my overall enthusiasm for a doctor that shares that much of his personal life to put a patient at ease.  He gets it and I love that!

We had another ultrasound and I saw an arm moving.  It was so weird.  I thought I would cry, but I just kept thinking I'm really pregnant.  After all this time I'm really pregnant.

Which brings me to my next topic.  Telling people.  When we told people, most people were jumping up and down excited for us.  But I'm not.  Is it because I'm too scared?  Probably.  I think I will bring new meaning to the term 'Helicopter Mom.'

Graduation

I've officially graduated to a real OB!  My first appointment is next Wednesday.

I feel like I've gained 20 lbs, but I've actually lost 5 lbs.  I haven't thrown up yet, but I make sure to eat small meals throughout the day.  I'm happy.  I'm still really scared and freaked out, but mostly I'm happy.

Is this really going to happen? 

(still keeping my fingers crossed!)

Heartbeat

We had the ultrasound on Wednesday.  One little tiny embryo with a heart beating at about 124.  Everything looked good and we are scheduled for another ultrasound with the RE in two weeks. 

My boobs hurt and sometimes I feel like I might throw up, but I eat some gluten free pretzels and I'm fine.  My RE added PIO shots, so my butt hurts too.  I'm also using the Crinone gel which I've never used before.  All small prices to pay.

The day after my ultrasound I had a very small gush of blood.  It was bright red.  Just a drop in my underwear the size of a quarter.  I thought I was going to pass out.  I was at work and remember reciting to myself, do not freak out, do not freak out, you cannot freak out. 

I walked back to my office, grabbed a maxi pad and went back to the bathroom.  I thought there would be more blood on my underwear, but there wasn't.  Sorry if too much information, but I felt around to see if there were any clots or lots of blood.  There wasn't.  I put the pad on and paced in the bathroom for a bit.  Then I said whatever will be, will be.  I cannot control this.

I text my husband because I was too scared to call him.  I emailed my IVF nurse.  Then I took a deep breath and went to my meeting fully expecting a gush of blood to start.  It didn't.  My husband texted me back during the meeting and I told him what happened.  He said it could be anything (he is a MD too) and we will just have to wait.  The nurse called and said my hormone levels were great and that spotting happens sometimes.  Just have to wait and see. 

I didn't have any more bleeding.  Just a few little drips onto the pad.  It stopped.  No cramps.

 To say I'm scared for our next ultrasound would possibly be the understatement of the year.  But whatever will be, will be.  I hope my little peanut can hang in there. 

2nd Beta

215

Thank you universe!

Will try not to engage in daily panic attacks until we have OB scan.

My husband has ordered every pregnancy book under the sun.  I am too afraid to read them although I did peek at one, but then felt guilty and put it away. 

We've decided to tell no one (except my  mom who knows all about the donor, etc).  However, my best friend's birthday is this weekend and she wants to do a tour of wineries.  How does one not drink on a winery tour?  This should be interesting....

Beta

75

Back to the doc on Wednesday with my fingers crossed.  And toes and eyes...you get the idea.

Worried and cautiously optimistic....

HPT Report

I woke up at 4:30 am from the weirdest dream.  In the dream I was walking around the town where I went to college, browsing in the cute stores that surround the campus.  I've done this a thousand times in real life - not really an earth shattering dream.  The weird part was that I was carrying around a bowl of my urine in anticipation of a pregnancy test.  It's a bowl I know well - I got it on the clearance table at World Market and is the perfect size for just about any dish.  (Disclosure: I did not, nor do I ever intend to fill it with my urine).

I got up and went into the bathroom.  I peed in cup and then stuck the dip stick in and counted.  Pulled it out, put the cap on,and then set it on the counter.   Walked into my closet and thought I might puke.  Told myself I was ready for plan B - and that I would just keep swimming, just keep going if it was negative.  (I've also put pictures of fish swimming on my iPhone screen saver - yes, I'm weird). 

I walked back to the counter and looked at the test.  There was a regular dark pink line but right next to it was a faint pink line.  I peered closer.  Then I went to find the instructions.  The line got darker.  Not as dark as the first line, but it was still there.  It was positive.  I'm pregnant!  I can't even believe I'm saying it; I never thought it would happen!

I woke my husband up and he immediately said, Let me see it.  Then he hugged me and said he was scared.  I said me too.  He said this doesn't mean we are going to take home a baby.  And I said I know.  But for today, I'm pregnant and I'm happy.  And grateful. 

Not sure what to think

We went in for the transfer yesterday.  Instead of taking us to the IVF suite, they took us to a consultation room.  My doc started the conversation with "On day 3 everything looked really good - really great cells and growing great." He went over the day 3 report with me while I kept thinking ok, well it's day 5 now so let's talk about that.  I interrupted him and said "But now it's Day 5 so..."

On day 5, we had eight complex morula, but no blasts.  (Way to hide the lead there, doc).  He wanted to wait one more day and see what happened.  So we did.  And today we had one 2CD blast and one early blast and nothing else.  WHAT THE HELL??????

On paper, my eggs did better than our 22 year old donor?  WHAT?  My doc said remember it's just a grade - and plenty of 2CD blasts go on to be babies.  He said donor eggs are a different ball game.  He still gave us a good shot - 40% or so.....but I can't help but think that it's already over.  Did we just get a bad donor? 

WHAT THE HELL?????

10

10 - 7 Fertilized normally, 3 ICSI to be sure

The clinic said a few of the eggs were immature. 

So - 10 Embryos.  Wow. 

Transfer is Thursday. 

I'm scared, hopeful, and nervous.  And also wishing I was psychic. 

18...eggs that is

Today was retrieval.  We got 18 eggs - 18 eggs -18 eggs.  I can't believe it.  I really can't.  My husband gave his sample.  I had an ultrasound.  My lining was 7.5 - which is okay but not great and not much thicker than the ultrasound I had last Thursday.  I'm trying very, very hard to not freak out about that.  They increased my estrogen and told me not to worry.  They acted as though it wasn't a big deal - but when I got home and looked it up via Dr. Google, I find that anything over 7 is good, over 9 is better, 10 is optimal.  Since I started progesterone on Friday - does that mean my endometrium has already reached maximum thickness?  I guess not if they are giving me more meds. 

Tomorrow I will get the fertilization report. 

I am nervous.  100x more nervous than when I did IVF myself.  I thought I was going to puke before our appt today. 

My husband wants to argue about how many to transfer back.  He says 1, I say 2.  I also say we haven't heard about the fertilization report yet - one day at a time.  

I'm going to see Wanderlust today and hope popcorn can relieve some of my anxiety.  Extra butter please.

Still here....still on lupron

I started a new job.  It's not unusual for me to be in a meeting at said new job and either be wondering about my donor - Daphne- and how all that will work out OR having a hot flash.  Lupron is not my friend.  I go through spells that I have no issues with it, but then some days I have one hot flash after another for a couple of hours.  I was also having bad headaches, but those seem to have stopped.  One night, I had night sweats.  That was super awesome.

I asked my husband (who is a MD) if maybe there was something wrong with me.  He pointed me to the Lupron side effects and I grudgingly nodded.  Lupron is like that girlfriend you have that you find yourself hanging out with even though she always says bad things to you.  You just can't help it.  My tummy is getting kind of sore.  I started having my husband give the shots - he's a bit better with the needle.

The night I had woke up covered in sweat with my hair wet - I wondered if this was all worth it?  I've gained weight, lost weight, been so depressed I couldn't leave the house, fought with my husband, had countless difficult conversations with friends/family, become intimate friends with all things ultrasound (perhaps another career in my future?), and had all kinds of people peering up my va-ja-jay.  I mentioned this to my husband and asked if ever felt like that.  Know what he said?

"I've really just had to jerk off in a room and make it into the cup."  I fucking hate men.

All Clear

Daphne (the nickname I've give our donor) is all clear.  I start lupron on 1/7/12 and she'll start her medication sometime at the end of January depending on when she gets her period.

So far, I've been happy with our donor agency and our new doctor.  Two hurdles I was scared of were that are donor would be fertile (it appears she is!) and she would be free of disease (she is!).  And most of all that she would show up.  I'm grateful that each of these hurdles has been passed with a relative amount of ease.  It's exciting to think this might actually happen, but I don't let myself get too excited.  This is a process.  A very long process.  Donor eggs give us more chances, with better eggs. 

I start a new job on January 9.  I'm hoping that it will distract me from all this DE IVF.  It would be nice to be enthralled in something else for a bit. 

I hope everyone is having a great New Year and best wishes on keeping those resolutions.  I'm on day 2 and still going strong :)