Waiting...

My doctor had to cancel my donor's appointment, so now we are waiting for her to re-schedule.  We meet with our lawyer tomorrow to review the agency contract.  It's a lot of waiting...and then more waiting.

We hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year.  My brother and his wife (who is almost exactly my age) are pregnant.  She talked a lot about her pregnancy: how she feels, how this one is different than the other one, what she looks like, how she has stretch marks, etc, etc.  When I invited them, I was a little nervous about how I would feel, you know the complete and utter angst of being around a pregnant woman when you want to be pregnant but can't be?  Ya, that.  I didn't feel that way.  She talked about it, I asked questions, I sympathized with her, and then I ate some turkey.  Have I disassociated from fertility?  It's a weird feeling not to be obsessed with this all the time.  Sure, it's on my mind and I do think about it - but I don't dwell on it all day and drive myself crazy with it anymore.  I think I may have turned a corner.  I can be around pregnant people. 

On Friday, I actually hung out with my sister in law and it was fine too.  My brother is 25 (yes, sister in law is significantly older) and has four kids - all small.  By the time I left their house I was glad to not have kids.  I was happy to be going to an adult get together with cocktails and no need for a babysitter.  For once, I was happy with what I had, not longing for what others had. 

I think some of this serenity stems from acceptance.  For so much of my life, I've been pushing to control things.  Not just fertility - all kinds of things, everything.   I'm still climbing the mountain and learning more about myself everyday.

Please send Brave IVF Girl some love.  She just completed her first DE IVF and ended up with a BFN.  Life is so unfair sometimes, but I know she's going to get her happy ending.  We all will.

Nervous

I haven't admitted this until now, but I am nervous.  Really nervous.  I've been trying not to really think about DE IVF - I've just been marking off all the things I must do to make this happen.  Now that my donor goes for her evaluation this week, I'm freaking out.  Not because I'm not sure about DE - that I am fine with and I've 100% accepted it.  I'm even happy for it at times (especially around my crazy, dysfunctional family).

But I'm nervous about POAS and taking a beta.  And seeing a negative.  Again.  I know that it's possible to not work the first time - as a logical person I know that.  But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.  DE IVF is not cheap - we are lucky that it's even an option for us - and I've only budgeted for two times (fresh).  My husband is not really interested in adoption at this point, nor am I - because I'd like to be involved in the pregnancy part.  I'm not against adoption either - I'm just not there, yet.

This time in between my last IVF and the DE IVF - I've tried to work out and eat healthy.  But, for the most part, I've failed.  I haven't gained a ton of weight (maybe 10 lbs), but I just don't feel as good as I do when I'm working out every day and eating right.  I'm drinking more than I should.  I know all of this.  And Friday night, my husband called me out on it.  It hurt.  I already knew- but I thought I had done a good job hiding it. 

So, it's time to get on the wagon - for real this time.  I think I just have to look at it one day at a time.  When I think of it all together, I start to spin.  I'm really good at spinning and obsessing.  I'm even better at finding people that have repeated DE loss and then obsessing that what's wrong with them is wrong with me. 

One day.  Live in the now.  Sounds easier than it really is.

Lawyers

We found our donor pretty quickly.  I had to look at every egg donor agency near us to be sure she was the one we wanted.  I'll admit I'm waiting for her to decide not to do this anymore.  There's a lot of waiting involved.  I didn't expect it would be harder to find a lawyer than a donor.  Finally I got someone to call me back yesterday  and then today another firm did as well.  Our donor is supposed to go for her medical screening in December.  And then I guess we'll start sometime in late Jan/Feb. 

In the meantime, I'm wishing everyone lots of success!  Congrats to Brave IVF Girl for making it to transfer with some awesome embryos :)  I'm so excited for her!  And for Tippy for not only getting her BFP, but successfully sharing her journey with her family.  I learn so much from reading other's blogs. 

Donor Reserved

We reserved our donor yesterday.  Now she goes to our clinic for medical screening.  It seems like I have been doing some type of donor/DE IVF transaction for years.  I know it's only been a few months, but with a mile long list I guess it takes awhile to accomplish.

All my medical screenings went well and I'm in perfect health (except for those old ovaries).  The nurse who helped me get ready for the sonohistogram asked me if I had ever had a transvaginal ultrasound.  I told her I was pretty sure I could do it myself if the doctor wasn't there.  For the first time in over a year, I have not taken hormones - no shots, no pills, no suppositories.  My oily skin has returned.  How is it that I can have still have acne, but old eggs?  I think it needs to be one or the other just to have balance in the world.

People all around me are getting pregnant and having babies.  Usually, I dwell on this - specifically why I am such a loser as to not be able to accomplish what other people do so easily.  Since we moved on to DE IVF, I don't have those feelings anymore.  I think once I learned to accept that the 'usual' way just wasn't going to work for me, I could move on.  Sounds a lot easier than it was - I think Mt. Kilimanjaro might be easier - but I did it.  I'm still doing it.  I have my days (sometimes it's only an hour, sometimes not).  But whatever, I've made progress.

My new thing to do is stalk other DE IVF blogs and see their results.  I freak out when it doesn't work - but I've yet to come across one that NEVER had success.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all the DE IVFers out there :)

My husband's grandmother died recently.  I was worried about how to answer baby questions and thought of all the usual responses I would say.  Only one person asked me.  It was kind of a let down.  Then I wondered if people 'knew'.  And then I thought who the fuck cares?  So what if they do? 

I feel I have lost one friend with all this IF business - but it's not really related.  The person that wears the label of my best friend has been so for 16 years.  We met in college, were roommates, and talked on the phone numerous times throughout the day for most of our adult lives.  Then I moved closer to her - and everything changed.  It wasn't so fun to be with her - she seemed abrasive.  We didn't have much in common.  But, when you are friends with someone for so long, well what do you do?  You act like everything is fine, that's what.

I told two people we were doing IVF - her and my mom.  I have issues with my mom (who doesn't?) but she has been surprisingly great through all of this, even DE.  With my friend, she never got it.  She never bothered to get it, she didn't check on me, she acted like it was no big deal.  I get that fertility is a weird subject.  And since she is unmarried, no kids I think that makes it even harder to 'get'.  When IVF #2 failed, I was pretty miserable.  And she didn't care.  When I told her she hurt my feelings about her lack of interest, she told me that few texts here and there is better than nothing.

At that point, I really had to re-evaluate my relationship with her.  Not just because of the fertility stuff, but because we just don't get each other anymore.  I over-reacted (as I do) and called her out on all kinds of things.  She didn't get that either.  Then I realized that the friendship (or rather the BFF part of it) was over long, long ago.  We moved in different directions and grew apart.  Pretending to be close is not the same as being close.  Things between us are strained.  It's awkward.  I don't know what to do about it.  I can't make it like it used to be.  I can't imagine not being friends with her, but when we are together - I can't imagine being friends with her.  I can't stand her.  WTF is wrong with me sometimes, I wonder?  I walk around with rose colored glasses on all the time and get myself into all sorts of bad relationships.  Then I take them off and I'm like whoa...how did I get here?

My birthday is Sunday and she wants to take me out for it.  I don't want to go.  Or rather I don't want to go and act like nothing is wrong.  I want to acknowledge the awkwardness.  I think there may be major drama - who wants that on their birthday?  Oy...craziness.