I've gotten access to five donor agencies. Some of them are very professional and others - well, aren't. We found a few donors we are interested in, but most of them are unproven. All the blogs I read say PROVEN PROVEN PROVEN. I think I agree with that, but donor love does not care about proven stats.
My husband and I don't totally agree on what we are looking for and it's something we will have to really nail down in the next few days. We both agree that proven is better, but not a deal breaker. And ideally, tall-ish (I'm 5'9) and relatively fair (I have blue eyes and dark blonde hair). Then we start to split on what we want. My husband wants someone smart and college educated. I agree but how do you measure someone's intelligence? I can glean some info from their answers, but really in our society we measure intelligence by standardized tests - and then I almost wonder if we are measuring how well someone takes a test? Also, how much of this is environment? Absolutely some people are born with higher intelligence than others, but I think success in life is how much you work. My husband says you have to have the tools to work with - I agree. I think he is looking for the perfect donor - and she doesn't exist.
Well, maybe she does -- he's looking for an exact copy of me. And my ovaries are closed. Which brings us to the next thing - another cycle with my eggs. I am done. 100% done. But my husband brought it up again when we were looking at donors. I said no. And he also said that I shouldn't let my diminished emotional capital keep me from what I really want.
Truth? I want a baby. And yes, my emotional capital has been greatly diminished in the past year with all these fertility treatments. We made some good blastocysts. Hooray! And if we did IVF again with my eggs, we might get pregnant (like a 10% chance), but we probably won't. And that will be another $15,000 that I don't have to use towards donor eggs. It comes down to how important is the genetic link? I've thought so much about this since getting my dismal (.4) AMH numbers. What matters to me the most is the ability to be a parent. And 50-70% with donor eggs sounds much better, doesn't it? He said it was my decision and then he picked some donors. I love how men can compartmentalize everything. I wish I could.
.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Spinning
We visited our first possible clinic for DE IVF. The doctor, I'll call him Dr. X, was a complete asshole. He had the most horrific people skills of any RE I've visited (he would be #5). My husband and I were understandably nervous upon meeting him. I expect him to lead us through the consultation - um, not so much. He made a comment about his ex-wife having the same profession as my husband and it was ridiculous he had to pay her alimony. Ya, lovely to meet you too.
I realized that I would have to start the discussion and began by asking about his success rates and if I would be a good candidate for DE. He credited his success for being 'just that good'. Okay, thanks. I asked him to explain the process to me and he did with obvious reluctance. The entire appointment I felt like we were bothering him. About 10 minutes in, I looked at my husband and gave him the look. I was ready to leave. Then, my lovely husband, took over and played good cop. Then Dr. X seemed more interested. He went over the shared risk program with us and I started to feel a little better. I began thinking maybe he just has really horrible people skills.
BUT - then I started to drill down about why DE fails. He said usually if someone has a really horrible uterus. Then I asked what that meant and he said a few obvious things like a septum, endo, lining issues or previous surgery. (Note: I had an abdominal myomectomy (fibroid removal) five years ago. All my fibroids were intramuscular and the surgery didn't enter the endometrial cavity. In the meantime, I've had three saline histograms and an HSG - all normal as well as a million vaginal ultrasounds). Then I asked if he thought my previous surgery was an issue. He stared at me blankly. He hadn't reviewed my file - he had no idea. Then he read through the medical records on the procedure and said probably not - but who knows? Um, maybe you should have at least an idea, Dr. X. Just sayin...
I've also been curious about immunology and he had a speech about the hocus pocus of it all. Those were his words. At this point, I had decided that there was no way we would use him and then began to concentrate rather intently on the status of my manicure while my husband wrapped up the appointment. However, then he actually had something good to say about the ASRM guidelines on the # of embryos to transfer. He made a few really good points on the risks associated with twins and the high success rates they have with single transfers. I hadn't really considered this mainly because when we were using my old eggs I always thought we would be lucky if one stuck. Now with young eggs, it is much more likely.
He won me over ever so slightly with this point. I asked him about selecting a donor, specifically in house vs. agency. He rolled his eyes and said I should pick someone in house because donor agencies are a pain for them to work with and the donor doesn't have to look like me, does it? Okay - I'm done. The advantage of using DE IVF is that the donor can resemble me - or I at least have the option.
I tried to end the consult then, but for whatever reason he decided to make small talk with my husband. Back to the state of my manicure. We decided to meet with their donor coordinator since we were there. Then I found out we didn't qualify for shared risk because of my previous surgery. Awesome! That would have been great to know earlier; seems like that should have been listed in the eligibility requirements.
We are obviously not going there. I was hoping that it would be a no brainer since this clinic is in a much larger city than where we live --> more people = more donors. I'm overwhelmed by the donor agencies and the horror stories I read online. I am discouraged. I felt like I was a seasoned vet at this fertility stuff, but now I realize I'm just getting started.
I realized that I would have to start the discussion and began by asking about his success rates and if I would be a good candidate for DE. He credited his success for being 'just that good'. Okay, thanks. I asked him to explain the process to me and he did with obvious reluctance. The entire appointment I felt like we were bothering him. About 10 minutes in, I looked at my husband and gave him the look. I was ready to leave. Then, my lovely husband, took over and played good cop. Then Dr. X seemed more interested. He went over the shared risk program with us and I started to feel a little better. I began thinking maybe he just has really horrible people skills.
BUT - then I started to drill down about why DE fails. He said usually if someone has a really horrible uterus. Then I asked what that meant and he said a few obvious things like a septum, endo, lining issues or previous surgery. (Note: I had an abdominal myomectomy (fibroid removal) five years ago. All my fibroids were intramuscular and the surgery didn't enter the endometrial cavity. In the meantime, I've had three saline histograms and an HSG - all normal as well as a million vaginal ultrasounds). Then I asked if he thought my previous surgery was an issue. He stared at me blankly. He hadn't reviewed my file - he had no idea. Then he read through the medical records on the procedure and said probably not - but who knows? Um, maybe you should have at least an idea, Dr. X. Just sayin...
I've also been curious about immunology and he had a speech about the hocus pocus of it all. Those were his words. At this point, I had decided that there was no way we would use him and then began to concentrate rather intently on the status of my manicure while my husband wrapped up the appointment. However, then he actually had something good to say about the ASRM guidelines on the # of embryos to transfer. He made a few really good points on the risks associated with twins and the high success rates they have with single transfers. I hadn't really considered this mainly because when we were using my old eggs I always thought we would be lucky if one stuck. Now with young eggs, it is much more likely.
He won me over ever so slightly with this point. I asked him about selecting a donor, specifically in house vs. agency. He rolled his eyes and said I should pick someone in house because donor agencies are a pain for them to work with and the donor doesn't have to look like me, does it? Okay - I'm done. The advantage of using DE IVF is that the donor can resemble me - or I at least have the option.
I tried to end the consult then, but for whatever reason he decided to make small talk with my husband. Back to the state of my manicure. We decided to meet with their donor coordinator since we were there. Then I found out we didn't qualify for shared risk because of my previous surgery. Awesome! That would have been great to know earlier; seems like that should have been listed in the eligibility requirements.
We are obviously not going there. I was hoping that it would be a no brainer since this clinic is in a much larger city than where we live --> more people = more donors. I'm overwhelmed by the donor agencies and the horror stories I read online. I am discouraged. I felt like I was a seasoned vet at this fertility stuff, but now I realize I'm just getting started.
Monday, September 12, 2011
How many is too many?
In the upcoming two weeks, I'm looking at two different clinics for donor eggs. One nearby with decent success rates and one further away with awesome success rates. The thing is I'm not in love with the donors at the nearby place - but maybe I shouldn't be? Can you fall in love with a donor? Based on this, I'm now thinking about meeting with another clinic in Chicago with average success rates but it's a much larger clinic. How many is too many?
Our plan is to meet with the physicians at these clinics and review the donors/pricing. Once we have all the info, we will compare the clinics and then decide. My WTF appt with my RE on IVF #2 is in October, I imagine we will start something around that time.
I spent the weekend looking at immunology/IF stuff and asking the magic eight ball if I should do another round with my own eggs. The most common response was Ask Again Later.
And I can't help wondering - what if I have a killer uterus? And if there is such a thing, why are there only like 12 doctors in all the US that treat this?
We had people over to watch football yesterday and then we watched the 9/11 special. There was some pregnancy talk earlier in the day and I was feeling down until I realized that my life could be a whole lot worse. So much worse. I promptly downloaded the Gratitude Journal for my i-Phone. I need to remember how lucky I am to be in this world :)
Hope everyone is enjoying the beginnings of autumn. It's 80 degrees here - I'll remember this day when there is snow on the ground!
Our plan is to meet with the physicians at these clinics and review the donors/pricing. Once we have all the info, we will compare the clinics and then decide. My WTF appt with my RE on IVF #2 is in October, I imagine we will start something around that time.
I spent the weekend looking at immunology/IF stuff and asking the magic eight ball if I should do another round with my own eggs. The most common response was Ask Again Later.
And I can't help wondering - what if I have a killer uterus? And if there is such a thing, why are there only like 12 doctors in all the US that treat this?
We had people over to watch football yesterday and then we watched the 9/11 special. There was some pregnancy talk earlier in the day and I was feeling down until I realized that my life could be a whole lot worse. So much worse. I promptly downloaded the Gratitude Journal for my i-Phone. I need to remember how lucky I am to be in this world :)
Hope everyone is enjoying the beginnings of autumn. It's 80 degrees here - I'll remember this day when there is snow on the ground!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Labor Day
It's freezing here! I love fall. It's my favorite time of year. The leaves, pumpkins, hot cider, turtlenecks and high boots! I can't wait.
I made an appt to discuss DE with a clinic in Chicago with a 70% success rate. Making that call was hard, but it felt right. I was disappointed to learn that the clinic wants all my previous IF history and the nurse said 'at my age' we would talk about all the options. I smell a hail mary IVF cycle talk in the future. But, I'm taking this one day at a time. And today is not that day.
In other news, my husband and I are starting the couch to 5K program. Perhaps I'll be one of those people that says things like, "I just did a quick 5 mile run this morning" or "I saw the most amazing sunrise on my run this morning". I'm doing it for the endorphins. Either choose this or mainline chardonnay into my arm. I choose fitness.
Hope everyone has a good Labor Day. Have a hot dog for me :)
I made an appt to discuss DE with a clinic in Chicago with a 70% success rate. Making that call was hard, but it felt right. I was disappointed to learn that the clinic wants all my previous IF history and the nurse said 'at my age' we would talk about all the options. I smell a hail mary IVF cycle talk in the future. But, I'm taking this one day at a time. And today is not that day.
In other news, my husband and I are starting the couch to 5K program. Perhaps I'll be one of those people that says things like, "I just did a quick 5 mile run this morning" or "I saw the most amazing sunrise on my run this morning". I'm doing it for the endorphins. Either choose this or mainline chardonnay into my arm. I choose fitness.
Hope everyone has a good Labor Day. Have a hot dog for me :)
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Next steps
My beta was negative. Not a huge surprise. My husband was so disappointed - way more than ever before. I felt so guilty, like I had let him down. I'm used to him being so strong through all of this that when he actually got upset, I was shocked. And honestly, I thought (selfishly) you need to be there for me, suck it up. Then I realized how ridiculous I was being - infertility really fucks with your mind. When did I become so selfish? We're on this journey together - it's happening to us, not just me.
So where do we go from here? I'm 90% certain that we will move on to donor eggs. We have limited resources and I think this is our best shot at a take home baby. I won't lie though - 10% is not sure. And until I'm 100%, I can't move on. I did make appts to talk to a doctor out of town with great donor egg rates and then one closer to home. My WTF appt with my RE about IVF #2 isn't until October (I guess he's kind of busy...).
When I think of donor eggs, I feel relieved. I feel like all the pressure is off. That feels really good. But I'm only 35 - and that keeps fucking with my head (especially when all my 35 year old friends are getting pregnant with their first babies). My husband wants to do another round with my eggs; the hail mary cycle. I don't. The shots, the ultrasounds, the disappointing results, and then the waiting for another negative after $15,000. Ouch. I just want a baby - and to be pregnant. I know I will love any baby because it will be my baby - no matter where it comes from.
I need to do immunology testing because I have Hashimoto's and a positive ANA (Titer was 320 - really positive, but other testing didn't show anything. It's possible it's all the Hashimoto's).
All I know for sure at this point is that it is not over. I'm still moving forward until I get that baby. Come along for the ride :)
So where do we go from here? I'm 90% certain that we will move on to donor eggs. We have limited resources and I think this is our best shot at a take home baby. I won't lie though - 10% is not sure. And until I'm 100%, I can't move on. I did make appts to talk to a doctor out of town with great donor egg rates and then one closer to home. My WTF appt with my RE about IVF #2 isn't until October (I guess he's kind of busy...).
When I think of donor eggs, I feel relieved. I feel like all the pressure is off. That feels really good. But I'm only 35 - and that keeps fucking with my head (especially when all my 35 year old friends are getting pregnant with their first babies). My husband wants to do another round with my eggs; the hail mary cycle. I don't. The shots, the ultrasounds, the disappointing results, and then the waiting for another negative after $15,000. Ouch. I just want a baby - and to be pregnant. I know I will love any baby because it will be my baby - no matter where it comes from.
I need to do immunology testing because I have Hashimoto's and a positive ANA (Titer was 320 - really positive, but other testing didn't show anything. It's possible it's all the Hashimoto's).
All I know for sure at this point is that it is not over. I'm still moving forward until I get that baby. Come along for the ride :)
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