Still here...

I'm still here - chugging along on the roller coaster.  We're getting closer to the finish line.  We had a few things to complete before even choosing a donor and we are checking stuff off everyday.  Simple things like a semen analysis and pap smear as well as more advanced stuff like counseling and a sonohistogram.  Oh, ya and picking a donor. 

My husband performed his part (the SA) wonderfully.  He was really impressed with the selection of videos and magazines at our new clinic.  He said it was A+ material.  I figure with the money we pay them that they should have blow up dolls in there...but, what do I know?

My sonohistogram is scheduled for next week and then my pap after that.  Let's hope some of my reproductive organs are still working properly, shall we?  Fingers crossed.

We had our required counseling session last night.  Even though I'd been to that therapist before, I was still nervous.  It went just fine.  We even laughed a few times.  I've really been struggling with who to tell about DE and when.  She told me that just because you keep something private doesn't mean it's a secret.  She's right.  Why do I feel that I must confess this to everyone?  It's not their business.  I just don't want the eventual child to feel like they have something to be ashamed of - and I think I thought that meant full disclosure.  She helped me to see that I can share this with who I want to tell, but I can also chose not to share. 

I also saw my RE for IVF #2 this week.  He's a nice man, but he was playing up the concerned doctor a bit too much.  When he walked in, he immediately grabbed both my hands and asked me, "How are you?  Really?"  Um, I'm fine.  And then he said more problingly, "No, really.  How are you?  You must be devasted."  Well if I wasn't before, I am now.  I took a deep breath and wondered how to address this because really, does he want me to pour out my heart to him?  No.  I know this.  He wants style points for concern.  He gets them, but let's move on.  In order to override the uncomfortable moment, I immediately begin discussing donor eggs.  He agrees, but he goes back to my 'awesome blastocysts' and says if we wanted to try again, then we could.  I tell him I agree that maybe we could, but I just didn't think it was worth it.  I told him I was ready to have a baby and I didn't really want to go through any more IVFs with such a low chance of success.  He took my hands again and looked deep in my eyes.  Then he said, "I understand."

Did he just read a Harlequin romance?  What is this?  He's never been like this before.  It was kind of starting to creep me out.  So, I again launch into how his donor program works.  They pick the donor, it takes 6 months, no pictures, and all donors are shared cycles.  Although it's much cheaper, this is not for us.  I need pictures and I need to pick the donor.  I'm willing to pay for that. 

I think we have picked our donor.  Nothing is for sure, of course, until I make the payment.  I want to wait until I've got the medical all clear from my new doc.  And then if all the stars align properly, I guess we'll be on our way. 

I thought DE would be so much easier and in some ways it is - but in other ways, there are so many hurdles to jump.  Until next time, I'll be the one running towards the next hurdle - hoping to make the jump :)