Heartbeat

We had the ultrasound on Wednesday.  One little tiny embryo with a heart beating at about 124.  Everything looked good and we are scheduled for another ultrasound with the RE in two weeks. 

My boobs hurt and sometimes I feel like I might throw up, but I eat some gluten free pretzels and I'm fine.  My RE added PIO shots, so my butt hurts too.  I'm also using the Crinone gel which I've never used before.  All small prices to pay.

The day after my ultrasound I had a very small gush of blood.  It was bright red.  Just a drop in my underwear the size of a quarter.  I thought I was going to pass out.  I was at work and remember reciting to myself, do not freak out, do not freak out, you cannot freak out. 

I walked back to my office, grabbed a maxi pad and went back to the bathroom.  I thought there would be more blood on my underwear, but there wasn't.  Sorry if too much information, but I felt around to see if there were any clots or lots of blood.  There wasn't.  I put the pad on and paced in the bathroom for a bit.  Then I said whatever will be, will be.  I cannot control this.

I text my husband because I was too scared to call him.  I emailed my IVF nurse.  Then I took a deep breath and went to my meeting fully expecting a gush of blood to start.  It didn't.  My husband texted me back during the meeting and I told him what happened.  He said it could be anything (he is a MD too) and we will just have to wait.  The nurse called and said my hormone levels were great and that spotting happens sometimes.  Just have to wait and see. 

I didn't have any more bleeding.  Just a few little drips onto the pad.  It stopped.  No cramps.

 To say I'm scared for our next ultrasound would possibly be the understatement of the year.  But whatever will be, will be.  I hope my little peanut can hang in there. 

2nd Beta

215

Thank you universe!

Will try not to engage in daily panic attacks until we have OB scan.

My husband has ordered every pregnancy book under the sun.  I am too afraid to read them although I did peek at one, but then felt guilty and put it away. 

We've decided to tell no one (except my  mom who knows all about the donor, etc).  However, my best friend's birthday is this weekend and she wants to do a tour of wineries.  How does one not drink on a winery tour?  This should be interesting....

Beta

75

Back to the doc on Wednesday with my fingers crossed.  And toes and eyes...you get the idea.

Worried and cautiously optimistic....

HPT Report

I woke up at 4:30 am from the weirdest dream.  In the dream I was walking around the town where I went to college, browsing in the cute stores that surround the campus.  I've done this a thousand times in real life - not really an earth shattering dream.  The weird part was that I was carrying around a bowl of my urine in anticipation of a pregnancy test.  It's a bowl I know well - I got it on the clearance table at World Market and is the perfect size for just about any dish.  (Disclosure: I did not, nor do I ever intend to fill it with my urine).

I got up and went into the bathroom.  I peed in cup and then stuck the dip stick in and counted.  Pulled it out, put the cap on,and then set it on the counter.   Walked into my closet and thought I might puke.  Told myself I was ready for plan B - and that I would just keep swimming, just keep going if it was negative.  (I've also put pictures of fish swimming on my iPhone screen saver - yes, I'm weird). 

I walked back to the counter and looked at the test.  There was a regular dark pink line but right next to it was a faint pink line.  I peered closer.  Then I went to find the instructions.  The line got darker.  Not as dark as the first line, but it was still there.  It was positive.  I'm pregnant!  I can't even believe I'm saying it; I never thought it would happen!

I woke my husband up and he immediately said, Let me see it.  Then he hugged me and said he was scared.  I said me too.  He said this doesn't mean we are going to take home a baby.  And I said I know.  But for today, I'm pregnant and I'm happy.  And grateful. 

Not sure what to think

We went in for the transfer yesterday.  Instead of taking us to the IVF suite, they took us to a consultation room.  My doc started the conversation with "On day 3 everything looked really good - really great cells and growing great." He went over the day 3 report with me while I kept thinking ok, well it's day 5 now so let's talk about that.  I interrupted him and said "But now it's Day 5 so..."

On day 5, we had eight complex morula, but no blasts.  (Way to hide the lead there, doc).  He wanted to wait one more day and see what happened.  So we did.  And today we had one 2CD blast and one early blast and nothing else.  WHAT THE HELL??????

On paper, my eggs did better than our 22 year old donor?  WHAT?  My doc said remember it's just a grade - and plenty of 2CD blasts go on to be babies.  He said donor eggs are a different ball game.  He still gave us a good shot - 40% or so.....but I can't help but think that it's already over.  Did we just get a bad donor? 

WHAT THE HELL?????

10

10 - 7 Fertilized normally, 3 ICSI to be sure

The clinic said a few of the eggs were immature. 

So - 10 Embryos.  Wow. 

Transfer is Thursday. 

I'm scared, hopeful, and nervous.  And also wishing I was psychic. 

18...eggs that is

Today was retrieval.  We got 18 eggs - 18 eggs -18 eggs.  I can't believe it.  I really can't.  My husband gave his sample.  I had an ultrasound.  My lining was 7.5 - which is okay but not great and not much thicker than the ultrasound I had last Thursday.  I'm trying very, very hard to not freak out about that.  They increased my estrogen and told me not to worry.  They acted as though it wasn't a big deal - but when I got home and looked it up via Dr. Google, I find that anything over 7 is good, over 9 is better, 10 is optimal.  Since I started progesterone on Friday - does that mean my endometrium has already reached maximum thickness?  I guess not if they are giving me more meds. 

Tomorrow I will get the fertilization report. 

I am nervous.  100x more nervous than when I did IVF myself.  I thought I was going to puke before our appt today. 

My husband wants to argue about how many to transfer back.  He says 1, I say 2.  I also say we haven't heard about the fertilization report yet - one day at a time.  

I'm going to see Wanderlust today and hope popcorn can relieve some of my anxiety.  Extra butter please.