Waiting...

My doctor had to cancel my donor's appointment, so now we are waiting for her to re-schedule.  We meet with our lawyer tomorrow to review the agency contract.  It's a lot of waiting...and then more waiting.

We hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year.  My brother and his wife (who is almost exactly my age) are pregnant.  She talked a lot about her pregnancy: how she feels, how this one is different than the other one, what she looks like, how she has stretch marks, etc, etc.  When I invited them, I was a little nervous about how I would feel, you know the complete and utter angst of being around a pregnant woman when you want to be pregnant but can't be?  Ya, that.  I didn't feel that way.  She talked about it, I asked questions, I sympathized with her, and then I ate some turkey.  Have I disassociated from fertility?  It's a weird feeling not to be obsessed with this all the time.  Sure, it's on my mind and I do think about it - but I don't dwell on it all day and drive myself crazy with it anymore.  I think I may have turned a corner.  I can be around pregnant people. 

On Friday, I actually hung out with my sister in law and it was fine too.  My brother is 25 (yes, sister in law is significantly older) and has four kids - all small.  By the time I left their house I was glad to not have kids.  I was happy to be going to an adult get together with cocktails and no need for a babysitter.  For once, I was happy with what I had, not longing for what others had. 

I think some of this serenity stems from acceptance.  For so much of my life, I've been pushing to control things.  Not just fertility - all kinds of things, everything.   I'm still climbing the mountain and learning more about myself everyday.

Please send Brave IVF Girl some love.  She just completed her first DE IVF and ended up with a BFN.  Life is so unfair sometimes, but I know she's going to get her happy ending.  We all will.