Nervous

I haven't admitted this until now, but I am nervous.  Really nervous.  I've been trying not to really think about DE IVF - I've just been marking off all the things I must do to make this happen.  Now that my donor goes for her evaluation this week, I'm freaking out.  Not because I'm not sure about DE - that I am fine with and I've 100% accepted it.  I'm even happy for it at times (especially around my crazy, dysfunctional family).

But I'm nervous about POAS and taking a beta.  And seeing a negative.  Again.  I know that it's possible to not work the first time - as a logical person I know that.  But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it.  DE IVF is not cheap - we are lucky that it's even an option for us - and I've only budgeted for two times (fresh).  My husband is not really interested in adoption at this point, nor am I - because I'd like to be involved in the pregnancy part.  I'm not against adoption either - I'm just not there, yet.

This time in between my last IVF and the DE IVF - I've tried to work out and eat healthy.  But, for the most part, I've failed.  I haven't gained a ton of weight (maybe 10 lbs), but I just don't feel as good as I do when I'm working out every day and eating right.  I'm drinking more than I should.  I know all of this.  And Friday night, my husband called me out on it.  It hurt.  I already knew- but I thought I had done a good job hiding it. 

So, it's time to get on the wagon - for real this time.  I think I just have to look at it one day at a time.  When I think of it all together, I start to spin.  I'm really good at spinning and obsessing.  I'm even better at finding people that have repeated DE loss and then obsessing that what's wrong with them is wrong with me. 

One day.  Live in the now.  Sounds easier than it really is.