Donor Reserved

We reserved our donor yesterday.  Now she goes to our clinic for medical screening.  It seems like I have been doing some type of donor/DE IVF transaction for years.  I know it's only been a few months, but with a mile long list I guess it takes awhile to accomplish.

All my medical screenings went well and I'm in perfect health (except for those old ovaries).  The nurse who helped me get ready for the sonohistogram asked me if I had ever had a transvaginal ultrasound.  I told her I was pretty sure I could do it myself if the doctor wasn't there.  For the first time in over a year, I have not taken hormones - no shots, no pills, no suppositories.  My oily skin has returned.  How is it that I can have still have acne, but old eggs?  I think it needs to be one or the other just to have balance in the world.

People all around me are getting pregnant and having babies.  Usually, I dwell on this - specifically why I am such a loser as to not be able to accomplish what other people do so easily.  Since we moved on to DE IVF, I don't have those feelings anymore.  I think once I learned to accept that the 'usual' way just wasn't going to work for me, I could move on.  Sounds a lot easier than it was - I think Mt. Kilimanjaro might be easier - but I did it.  I'm still doing it.  I have my days (sometimes it's only an hour, sometimes not).  But whatever, I've made progress.

My new thing to do is stalk other DE IVF blogs and see their results.  I freak out when it doesn't work - but I've yet to come across one that NEVER had success.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all the DE IVFers out there :)

My husband's grandmother died recently.  I was worried about how to answer baby questions and thought of all the usual responses I would say.  Only one person asked me.  It was kind of a let down.  Then I wondered if people 'knew'.  And then I thought who the fuck cares?  So what if they do? 

I feel I have lost one friend with all this IF business - but it's not really related.  The person that wears the label of my best friend has been so for 16 years.  We met in college, were roommates, and talked on the phone numerous times throughout the day for most of our adult lives.  Then I moved closer to her - and everything changed.  It wasn't so fun to be with her - she seemed abrasive.  We didn't have much in common.  But, when you are friends with someone for so long, well what do you do?  You act like everything is fine, that's what.

I told two people we were doing IVF - her and my mom.  I have issues with my mom (who doesn't?) but she has been surprisingly great through all of this, even DE.  With my friend, she never got it.  She never bothered to get it, she didn't check on me, she acted like it was no big deal.  I get that fertility is a weird subject.  And since she is unmarried, no kids I think that makes it even harder to 'get'.  When IVF #2 failed, I was pretty miserable.  And she didn't care.  When I told her she hurt my feelings about her lack of interest, she told me that few texts here and there is better than nothing.

At that point, I really had to re-evaluate my relationship with her.  Not just because of the fertility stuff, but because we just don't get each other anymore.  I over-reacted (as I do) and called her out on all kinds of things.  She didn't get that either.  Then I realized that the friendship (or rather the BFF part of it) was over long, long ago.  We moved in different directions and grew apart.  Pretending to be close is not the same as being close.  Things between us are strained.  It's awkward.  I don't know what to do about it.  I can't make it like it used to be.  I can't imagine not being friends with her, but when we are together - I can't imagine being friends with her.  I can't stand her.  WTF is wrong with me sometimes, I wonder?  I walk around with rose colored glasses on all the time and get myself into all sorts of bad relationships.  Then I take them off and I'm like whoa...how did I get here?

My birthday is Sunday and she wants to take me out for it.  I don't want to go.  Or rather I don't want to go and act like nothing is wrong.  I want to acknowledge the awkwardness.  I think there may be major drama - who wants that on their birthday?  Oy...craziness.