Hope is in the trash

Our donor goes for her consult next week.  That's almost a full month from her last date.  The waiting is not so great - but it does help my pocketbook build up some $ in the meantime.  We've met with our lawyer, reviewed and adjusted the contracts, and are basically good to go.  I'm scared, nervous, excited, hopeful that all this will work out in the next few weeks - or rather months, really.  I started doing this in September - talk about a long courtship :)

My sister in law lost the baby.  Very sad.  She went in for her 18 week check up and they couldn't find a heartbeat.  She had to deliver the baby.  It was 2 oz., a baby girl.  They took lots of pictures with the baby and I hope that helped them.  My mom had lots of opinions of what they should have done, shouldn't done.  I wanted to tell her (and eventually did), that this was not about her.  I think in the past I may have been just like my mom - full of opinions and thought I knew best.  Infertility has taught me that everybody is doing their own thing.  Just be supportive and don't give opinions.  Love each other, don't judge (at least not aloud).  I was so tired after the service.  My mom exhausts me.  She told me it was because my sister in law was older.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  We don't know.  But since my mom had my brother when she was almost 38 and my sister in law (and I) are 36 - maybe she should just shut the fuck up and say I'm so sorry for your loss.   

The baby died around 12 weeks, but they didn't run any tests to find out why.  They had a memorial service last week.  When my husband and I were sitting in the service, I kept looking at all the kids around us and thinking how we're all miracles.  It takes work to have kids, and even more work once you have them. 

I've accepted a new job.  This should make things very interesting.  I think it will distract me - that's good.  I need all the distractions I can get.  I'm not clear on the number of doctor appointments I'll have to have with DE IVF - do I get monitored a few times just like the donor (for lining thickness?).  For my previous two IVFs, I wasn't working and I didn't really have to juggle work/appointments.  I can't wait for the do you have kids questions from everyone at my new job.  That will be a fun time.

The holidays are tough.  I'm not super close with my family - that's a bit of an understatement.  I love them, they love me - but we have very little in common.  I'm the black sheep, but in the best way possible.  I'm lucky that my husband is very close to his family and they've become my family too.  I miss my family, or rather the idea of my family.  I do see my mom and brother and sometimes my sister - but, it's strained, weird, and uncomfortable.  Growing up, I always wished for a close family (like the Cosby's), but sometimes that just isn't to be. 

Each year I think that maybe this will be our last Xmas before we have a baby.  Years ago, I bought an ornament that said Hope.  It was my 'hope for a baby ornament.'  This year I was excited to hang it on the tree because I felt like we really did have hope again.  And then I remembered.  I was pissed last year and I wrapped up the ornament and threw it in the trash.  Yes, infertility makes me incredibly irrational.  I don't find myself thinking that this could be our last year just the two of us.  I just think it's Xmas.  Maybe we'll have a baby next year, maybe we won't and we'll go to Hawaii.  No more pressure.  I'm just happy to be here, enjoying the good moments.  I'm going to keep going until I get my family - one way or the other. 

My cats helped me decorate the tree.  Here's a picture of Darwin, the coolest cat around.