IVF #2 Recap

We retrieved three eggs, all mature, all fertilized.  Day 5 Transfer of two blastocyst grade AA and AB.  Quite frankly, I couldn't believe it!  My prematurely old ovaries still kicked out a few good eggs.  My beta is tomorrow.  I did a HPT this morning and it was negative.  I felt so positive before the test.  Two blastocysts!  Great looking!  But negative. 

My husband was very sad.  I couldn't help feeling like I let him down.  Like he married a defective person.  I know this isn't logical thinking - I just feel horrible that I can't do what so many people can do effortlessly.  My mom got pregnant with my brother at 37 the first month she tried!  I keep asking myself why this is happening to me??  (Gosh, what an original thought that is...)

I told myself before this IVF that I was done using my own eggs.  But then they surprised me.  So, now I'm in a gray area.  I'm not sure how to move forward - but I know I will move forward.  Throughout this process I've learned it's about perseverance.   Most of all, I learned I married the right guy.  The love I feel from him is overwhelming.  Truly.  I'm very lucky.

Stim Day 2

And I feel fine.  I'm doing the Microdose Lupron Protocol with 300 Bravelle/300 Menopur for two days and then switch down to 225 each.  I can't wait for the mood swings.  I keep telling my husband to gear up!

Truth?  I feel fine about all this.  It's kind of a new feeling for me.  I am SUPER type A, but eventually even I just have to let this go and realize I have no control over my ovaries.  It is what it is.  For IVF #2, I'm making sure I eat well and relax.  I've also eliminated gluten from my diet and I feel amazing!  It looks like I lost 5 lbs - no more gut!  I do wonder if this calm feeling will begin to disappear once the ultrasounds, bloodwork, and egg retrieval come around.  But for now, I'm going to hang on to this feeling. 

We have dinner with friends tonight and tomorrow we leave for a weekend getaway.  Have shots, will travel.

Hoping everyone has a nice weekend! 

Over the weekend

• I finished the new Jennifer Weiner book, Then Came You.  I would highly, highly recommend it - especially for anyone thinking of alternative family building.  In the beginning of the book, you might think twice about the tone but then you'll like it.  Excellent read!  Jennifer Weiner is one of my favorite others.  Top picks for her: Good in Bed and In her Shoes. 
• I saw Captain America.  I was disappointed.  The Avenger trailer at the end of the credits was the best part of the movie.  I love comic movie but lately they have been stinkers.  You can skip Green Lantern (unless you rent it and can pause to gaze at Ryan Reynolds to your heart's content)
• I was also dragged under duress to see Harry Potter.  I haven't read the books and I've only seen a few of the movies.  If you are not familiar with Harry Potter - you will be extremely confused in this movie.  I was like what? until about 40 minutes in.  It was good and I liked the end, Harry Potter fan or not.
• I took my last birth control pill.  I gave the pill packet a kiss for good luck and threw it in the trash.  
• Last night I started reading Jen Lancaster's If You Were Here.  This is her first novel and I had high hopes, but it's exactly like her other books.  I can only take so many footnotes.  If you haven't read Jen Lancaster before, the first two books are the best.   By Such a Pretty Fat, she gives into her ego and it's a bit tortuous.
• I read lots of IF blogs.  Like too many.  I kept telling myself put the laptop away, but they are like candy (so addictive).
• Had a weird chat with a good friend.  She's my age and would like to have a baby but hasn't found the right guy yet.  She is dating someone and is (purposely?) forgetting birth control.  Every month she thinks she is pregnant.  Every month we have a period talk, should she test conversation.  This is fine when you're 16...when you're 35 it's a little redundant and it's a LOT insensitive when your talking to an infertile woman.  Anyway, I've distanced myself from her due to this and some of her other issues and this weekend she reached out to me.   We talked about it and she apologized for being so self centered.  Overall a happy ending, I guess.  

Did you do anything exciting over the weekend?  Perhaps jet off to Paris?

Ovaries...start your engines!

My cyst is not estrogen producing and my E2 is low.  So, we're starting.  I'm a little in shock.  And also a bit skeptical.  But I have to think my RE knows what he's doing, right?  

The 23rd is my last birth control pill and I start microdose lupron on the 26th.  Here we go...again :)

Cyst

I have a cyst.  How can I have a cyst when I've been on birth control pills?  Is there a martian living in my ovaries?  WTF???

My nurse said that they will call me this afternoon with the E2 results and then decide what to do from there.  So, here I am.  Hurry up and wait.

Tuesday

Tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound.  I feel like I'm in line for the front seat of a roller coaster.  Do I really want to be here again?  Yes and no.  I want to have a baby - obviously.  I'm leaning more and more into donor eggs.  I think the writing is on the wall (AMH is .4, bad IVF #1), but since I don't think IVF #1 was handled correctly by my previous RE, I think that I owe it to myself to give it one more try.  My husband wants us to try three times with my eggs.  I would rather move on if it's not working.  DE IVF is not cheap.  I would much rather put our money towards something that is going to work.

However, I'm here now.  Being in the moment is not something I'm very good at it.  I'm always looking for the next big thing, the next goal.  Infertility has taught me patience.  It's also taught me that wine and a bubble bath go very well together :)

I'm reading Jennifer Weiner's Then Came You.  It's about a rich woman who uses donor eggs and a surrogate to have a baby.  I'm not sure I like the tone of the book yet, but I'm not very far in either.  I'll let you know what I think.  Updates to come tomorrow.  Let's hope for low estradiol and quiet ovaries :)  Cheers!

Back in the Saddle

I took a much needed break from all things fertility related for two months.  I gave myself a lot of time to think, drink wine, and reflect.

This is what I learned:
- Margaritas are delicious
- A nice tan makes you look slimmer
- Accepting people for who they are is much easier than trying to change them
- Tubing is way more fun when you're 15, but being out on the water is still wonderful
- S'mores are the most wonderful thing about a summer campfire...and a good burnt hot dog
- Cleaning and organizing makes me feel in control
- I love the feel of sand between my toes
- If you truly want to be a parent, there's a 100% chance that you will be

I went to my parent's house for a week this summer.  For some of you this may not seem like a big deal, but for me, it's huge.   While I don't have a volatile relationship with my mom or step-dad, we're also not close.  My whole family is a bit narcissistic and before I went to therapy I could never understand why I was so angry at them all the time.  After therapy, I get it.  Although my family loves me, they love themselves more.  I'm basically a shadow in their own self centered lives.  With all this infertility stuff, I expected my mom to be there for me - because television and books have led me to believe that moms 'should' do that kind of stuff.  We had a bit of a blow out about her selfish ways and that led to me going to see them for a few days.  While I was there, I realized they are never going to be different.  It's up to me to set boundaries with them and when I did that, it was fine.  The best thing that happened is that I got away from my daily life with my husband and friends.  I had some quiet time.  And I realized that somehow, someway this is all going to work out.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

So, here I am.  Putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm promising to stay positive and be in the moment as much as possible.  It's going to happen for all of us - one way or another.  Keep the faith.

My baseline ultrasound is Wednesday.  Welcome back to the craziest ride of your life :)