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Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Mammogram
Giuliana Rancic has breast cancer. I've been watching their show since it first started primarily because it focused on IF. I can't help but watch anything dealing with IF. I also watch The Little Couple (but there issue is a little different). Give me a good infertility story and I'll tune in :) I've been expecting to hear that Giuliana's IVF treatment worked and a pregnancy announcement. I was shocked this morning when I heard.
She said her IVF doc (Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM) insisted she get a mammogram before doing the third IVF round because if there was any sign of breast cancer, the pregnancy would put it into hyperdrive. Wow, I had no idea.
I turn 36 in just under a month. And I'm trying to get pregnant. No history of breast cancer in my family. But I'm getting a mammogram. I made an appointment today.
She said her IVF doc (Dr. Schoolcraft at CCRM) insisted she get a mammogram before doing the third IVF round because if there was any sign of breast cancer, the pregnancy would put it into hyperdrive. Wow, I had no idea.
I turn 36 in just under a month. And I'm trying to get pregnant. No history of breast cancer in my family. But I'm getting a mammogram. I made an appointment today.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Still here...
I'm still here - chugging along on the roller coaster. We're getting closer to the finish line. We had a few things to complete before even choosing a donor and we are checking stuff off everyday. Simple things like a semen analysis and pap smear as well as more advanced stuff like counseling and a sonohistogram. Oh, ya and picking a donor.
My husband performed his part (the SA) wonderfully. He was really impressed with the selection of videos and magazines at our new clinic. He said it was A+ material. I figure with the money we pay them that they should have blow up dolls in there...but, what do I know?
My sonohistogram is scheduled for next week and then my pap after that. Let's hope some of my reproductive organs are still working properly, shall we? Fingers crossed.
We had our required counseling session last night. Even though I'd been to that therapist before, I was still nervous. It went just fine. We even laughed a few times. I've really been struggling with who to tell about DE and when. She told me that just because you keep something private doesn't mean it's a secret. She's right. Why do I feel that I must confess this to everyone? It's not their business. I just don't want the eventual child to feel like they have something to be ashamed of - and I think I thought that meant full disclosure. She helped me to see that I can share this with who I want to tell, but I can also chose not to share.
I also saw my RE for IVF #2 this week. He's a nice man, but he was playing up the concerned doctor a bit too much. When he walked in, he immediately grabbed both my hands and asked me, "How are you? Really?" Um, I'm fine. And then he said more problingly, "No, really. How are you? You must be devasted." Well if I wasn't before, I am now. I took a deep breath and wondered how to address this because really, does he want me to pour out my heart to him? No. I know this. He wants style points for concern. He gets them, but let's move on. In order to override the uncomfortable moment, I immediately begin discussing donor eggs. He agrees, but he goes back to my 'awesome blastocysts' and says if we wanted to try again, then we could. I tell him I agree that maybe we could, but I just didn't think it was worth it. I told him I was ready to have a baby and I didn't really want to go through any more IVFs with such a low chance of success. He took my hands again and looked deep in my eyes. Then he said, "I understand."
Did he just read a Harlequin romance? What is this? He's never been like this before. It was kind of starting to creep me out. So, I again launch into how his donor program works. They pick the donor, it takes 6 months, no pictures, and all donors are shared cycles. Although it's much cheaper, this is not for us. I need pictures and I need to pick the donor. I'm willing to pay for that.
I think we have picked our donor. Nothing is for sure, of course, until I make the payment. I want to wait until I've got the medical all clear from my new doc. And then if all the stars align properly, I guess we'll be on our way.
I thought DE would be so much easier and in some ways it is - but in other ways, there are so many hurdles to jump. Until next time, I'll be the one running towards the next hurdle - hoping to make the jump :)
My husband performed his part (the SA) wonderfully. He was really impressed with the selection of videos and magazines at our new clinic. He said it was A+ material. I figure with the money we pay them that they should have blow up dolls in there...but, what do I know?
My sonohistogram is scheduled for next week and then my pap after that. Let's hope some of my reproductive organs are still working properly, shall we? Fingers crossed.
We had our required counseling session last night. Even though I'd been to that therapist before, I was still nervous. It went just fine. We even laughed a few times. I've really been struggling with who to tell about DE and when. She told me that just because you keep something private doesn't mean it's a secret. She's right. Why do I feel that I must confess this to everyone? It's not their business. I just don't want the eventual child to feel like they have something to be ashamed of - and I think I thought that meant full disclosure. She helped me to see that I can share this with who I want to tell, but I can also chose not to share.
I also saw my RE for IVF #2 this week. He's a nice man, but he was playing up the concerned doctor a bit too much. When he walked in, he immediately grabbed both my hands and asked me, "How are you? Really?" Um, I'm fine. And then he said more problingly, "No, really. How are you? You must be devasted." Well if I wasn't before, I am now. I took a deep breath and wondered how to address this because really, does he want me to pour out my heart to him? No. I know this. He wants style points for concern. He gets them, but let's move on. In order to override the uncomfortable moment, I immediately begin discussing donor eggs. He agrees, but he goes back to my 'awesome blastocysts' and says if we wanted to try again, then we could. I tell him I agree that maybe we could, but I just didn't think it was worth it. I told him I was ready to have a baby and I didn't really want to go through any more IVFs with such a low chance of success. He took my hands again and looked deep in my eyes. Then he said, "I understand."
Did he just read a Harlequin romance? What is this? He's never been like this before. It was kind of starting to creep me out. So, I again launch into how his donor program works. They pick the donor, it takes 6 months, no pictures, and all donors are shared cycles. Although it's much cheaper, this is not for us. I need pictures and I need to pick the donor. I'm willing to pay for that.
I think we have picked our donor. Nothing is for sure, of course, until I make the payment. I want to wait until I've got the medical all clear from my new doc. And then if all the stars align properly, I guess we'll be on our way.
I thought DE would be so much easier and in some ways it is - but in other ways, there are so many hurdles to jump. Until next time, I'll be the one running towards the next hurdle - hoping to make the jump :)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
One checkmark
We've decided on a clinic (I think)!
The new doc was nice, personable, and spent over an hour with me. I went in with a list of questions and he answered each one with thoroughness. The previous DE IVF clinic we visited suggested that I have a hysteroscopy before moving forward. He said this was standard procedure for DE IVF. The new clinic (I'll call them clinic B), said a saline sonohistogram was fine and the hysteroscopy would only be used if something was found on the previous test. I will admit to being a bit confused because if the hysteroscopy is the gold standard - then why not just use that? Well, it's about $5,000 to start with and while it does give more details - it's more for a procedures (like removing things) then just looking for things. Well, that makes sense. I drilled down on him about this for 30 minutes. If I'm going to spend all this money on donor eggs, I want to make sure that they have a nice comfy pad to grow.
Next steps: a semen analysis for my husband, annual pap for me, a couple counseling session on donor eggs, and a saline sonohistogram for me. Then once we get the all clear - we pick a donor. I have several profiles saved from a few different agencies and I will admit to having a favorite - but I want to make sure the uterus is all good before we move forward. I can't imagine there is a problem because I had an HSG 2 years ago and in the meantime I've had a million ultrasounds - but I just never know with my uterus. I need that peace of mind before moving forward.
I also talked at length about immunology with the new doc. He said (and I agree) that diminished ovarian reserve is the most likely reason that I'm not getting pregnant. And yes, last cycle we made blasts but that doesn't mean they were normal. In fact, they probably weren't. And then he said what I really needed to hear - "I agree with you that it is time to move on. You gave it a good shot, but the best thing you can do to have a take home baby is use donor eggs." Wow, I cannot tell you how much better that made me feel. I needed someone to say that to me.
He didn't discount the immunology, but he said it's too early to tell if it is factor for me. I don't know about this because I obviously have some immune issues (Hashimoto's and high-ish ANA), but so do lots of people who get pregnant with no issues. For now, I have to go with my gut. Prematurely old eggs is what I think the issue has been all along. So, we'll get some young whippersnapper eggs and see what happens.
I wanted to say a special thank you to Brave IVF Girl for her help with the donor process. She really helped me figure out where to start and the next steps.
I'm feeling good overall. When I hear a pregnancy announcement, I don't immediately feel dread. I feel like this might really happen for us too. Fingers crossed!
The new doc was nice, personable, and spent over an hour with me. I went in with a list of questions and he answered each one with thoroughness. The previous DE IVF clinic we visited suggested that I have a hysteroscopy before moving forward. He said this was standard procedure for DE IVF. The new clinic (I'll call them clinic B), said a saline sonohistogram was fine and the hysteroscopy would only be used if something was found on the previous test. I will admit to being a bit confused because if the hysteroscopy is the gold standard - then why not just use that? Well, it's about $5,000 to start with and while it does give more details - it's more for a procedures (like removing things) then just looking for things. Well, that makes sense. I drilled down on him about this for 30 minutes. If I'm going to spend all this money on donor eggs, I want to make sure that they have a nice comfy pad to grow.
Next steps: a semen analysis for my husband, annual pap for me, a couple counseling session on donor eggs, and a saline sonohistogram for me. Then once we get the all clear - we pick a donor. I have several profiles saved from a few different agencies and I will admit to having a favorite - but I want to make sure the uterus is all good before we move forward. I can't imagine there is a problem because I had an HSG 2 years ago and in the meantime I've had a million ultrasounds - but I just never know with my uterus. I need that peace of mind before moving forward.
I also talked at length about immunology with the new doc. He said (and I agree) that diminished ovarian reserve is the most likely reason that I'm not getting pregnant. And yes, last cycle we made blasts but that doesn't mean they were normal. In fact, they probably weren't. And then he said what I really needed to hear - "I agree with you that it is time to move on. You gave it a good shot, but the best thing you can do to have a take home baby is use donor eggs." Wow, I cannot tell you how much better that made me feel. I needed someone to say that to me.
He didn't discount the immunology, but he said it's too early to tell if it is factor for me. I don't know about this because I obviously have some immune issues (Hashimoto's and high-ish ANA), but so do lots of people who get pregnant with no issues. For now, I have to go with my gut. Prematurely old eggs is what I think the issue has been all along. So, we'll get some young whippersnapper eggs and see what happens.
I wanted to say a special thank you to Brave IVF Girl for her help with the donor process. She really helped me figure out where to start and the next steps.
I'm feeling good overall. When I hear a pregnancy announcement, I don't immediately feel dread. I feel like this might really happen for us too. Fingers crossed!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Donors
I've gotten access to five donor agencies. Some of them are very professional and others - well, aren't. We found a few donors we are interested in, but most of them are unproven. All the blogs I read say PROVEN PROVEN PROVEN. I think I agree with that, but donor love does not care about proven stats.
My husband and I don't totally agree on what we are looking for and it's something we will have to really nail down in the next few days. We both agree that proven is better, but not a deal breaker. And ideally, tall-ish (I'm 5'9) and relatively fair (I have blue eyes and dark blonde hair). Then we start to split on what we want. My husband wants someone smart and college educated. I agree but how do you measure someone's intelligence? I can glean some info from their answers, but really in our society we measure intelligence by standardized tests - and then I almost wonder if we are measuring how well someone takes a test? Also, how much of this is environment? Absolutely some people are born with higher intelligence than others, but I think success in life is how much you work. My husband says you have to have the tools to work with - I agree. I think he is looking for the perfect donor - and she doesn't exist.
Well, maybe she does -- he's looking for an exact copy of me. And my ovaries are closed. Which brings us to the next thing - another cycle with my eggs. I am done. 100% done. But my husband brought it up again when we were looking at donors. I said no. And he also said that I shouldn't let my diminished emotional capital keep me from what I really want.
Truth? I want a baby. And yes, my emotional capital has been greatly diminished in the past year with all these fertility treatments. We made some good blastocysts. Hooray! And if we did IVF again with my eggs, we might get pregnant (like a 10% chance), but we probably won't. And that will be another $15,000 that I don't have to use towards donor eggs. It comes down to how important is the genetic link? I've thought so much about this since getting my dismal (.4) AMH numbers. What matters to me the most is the ability to be a parent. And 50-70% with donor eggs sounds much better, doesn't it? He said it was my decision and then he picked some donors. I love how men can compartmentalize everything. I wish I could.
.
My husband and I don't totally agree on what we are looking for and it's something we will have to really nail down in the next few days. We both agree that proven is better, but not a deal breaker. And ideally, tall-ish (I'm 5'9) and relatively fair (I have blue eyes and dark blonde hair). Then we start to split on what we want. My husband wants someone smart and college educated. I agree but how do you measure someone's intelligence? I can glean some info from their answers, but really in our society we measure intelligence by standardized tests - and then I almost wonder if we are measuring how well someone takes a test? Also, how much of this is environment? Absolutely some people are born with higher intelligence than others, but I think success in life is how much you work. My husband says you have to have the tools to work with - I agree. I think he is looking for the perfect donor - and she doesn't exist.
Well, maybe she does -- he's looking for an exact copy of me. And my ovaries are closed. Which brings us to the next thing - another cycle with my eggs. I am done. 100% done. But my husband brought it up again when we were looking at donors. I said no. And he also said that I shouldn't let my diminished emotional capital keep me from what I really want.
Truth? I want a baby. And yes, my emotional capital has been greatly diminished in the past year with all these fertility treatments. We made some good blastocysts. Hooray! And if we did IVF again with my eggs, we might get pregnant (like a 10% chance), but we probably won't. And that will be another $15,000 that I don't have to use towards donor eggs. It comes down to how important is the genetic link? I've thought so much about this since getting my dismal (.4) AMH numbers. What matters to me the most is the ability to be a parent. And 50-70% with donor eggs sounds much better, doesn't it? He said it was my decision and then he picked some donors. I love how men can compartmentalize everything. I wish I could.
.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Spinning
We visited our first possible clinic for DE IVF. The doctor, I'll call him Dr. X, was a complete asshole. He had the most horrific people skills of any RE I've visited (he would be #5). My husband and I were understandably nervous upon meeting him. I expect him to lead us through the consultation - um, not so much. He made a comment about his ex-wife having the same profession as my husband and it was ridiculous he had to pay her alimony. Ya, lovely to meet you too.
I realized that I would have to start the discussion and began by asking about his success rates and if I would be a good candidate for DE. He credited his success for being 'just that good'. Okay, thanks. I asked him to explain the process to me and he did with obvious reluctance. The entire appointment I felt like we were bothering him. About 10 minutes in, I looked at my husband and gave him the look. I was ready to leave. Then, my lovely husband, took over and played good cop. Then Dr. X seemed more interested. He went over the shared risk program with us and I started to feel a little better. I began thinking maybe he just has really horrible people skills.
BUT - then I started to drill down about why DE fails. He said usually if someone has a really horrible uterus. Then I asked what that meant and he said a few obvious things like a septum, endo, lining issues or previous surgery. (Note: I had an abdominal myomectomy (fibroid removal) five years ago. All my fibroids were intramuscular and the surgery didn't enter the endometrial cavity. In the meantime, I've had three saline histograms and an HSG - all normal as well as a million vaginal ultrasounds). Then I asked if he thought my previous surgery was an issue. He stared at me blankly. He hadn't reviewed my file - he had no idea. Then he read through the medical records on the procedure and said probably not - but who knows? Um, maybe you should have at least an idea, Dr. X. Just sayin...
I've also been curious about immunology and he had a speech about the hocus pocus of it all. Those were his words. At this point, I had decided that there was no way we would use him and then began to concentrate rather intently on the status of my manicure while my husband wrapped up the appointment. However, then he actually had something good to say about the ASRM guidelines on the # of embryos to transfer. He made a few really good points on the risks associated with twins and the high success rates they have with single transfers. I hadn't really considered this mainly because when we were using my old eggs I always thought we would be lucky if one stuck. Now with young eggs, it is much more likely.
He won me over ever so slightly with this point. I asked him about selecting a donor, specifically in house vs. agency. He rolled his eyes and said I should pick someone in house because donor agencies are a pain for them to work with and the donor doesn't have to look like me, does it? Okay - I'm done. The advantage of using DE IVF is that the donor can resemble me - or I at least have the option.
I tried to end the consult then, but for whatever reason he decided to make small talk with my husband. Back to the state of my manicure. We decided to meet with their donor coordinator since we were there. Then I found out we didn't qualify for shared risk because of my previous surgery. Awesome! That would have been great to know earlier; seems like that should have been listed in the eligibility requirements.
We are obviously not going there. I was hoping that it would be a no brainer since this clinic is in a much larger city than where we live --> more people = more donors. I'm overwhelmed by the donor agencies and the horror stories I read online. I am discouraged. I felt like I was a seasoned vet at this fertility stuff, but now I realize I'm just getting started.
I realized that I would have to start the discussion and began by asking about his success rates and if I would be a good candidate for DE. He credited his success for being 'just that good'. Okay, thanks. I asked him to explain the process to me and he did with obvious reluctance. The entire appointment I felt like we were bothering him. About 10 minutes in, I looked at my husband and gave him the look. I was ready to leave. Then, my lovely husband, took over and played good cop. Then Dr. X seemed more interested. He went over the shared risk program with us and I started to feel a little better. I began thinking maybe he just has really horrible people skills.
BUT - then I started to drill down about why DE fails. He said usually if someone has a really horrible uterus. Then I asked what that meant and he said a few obvious things like a septum, endo, lining issues or previous surgery. (Note: I had an abdominal myomectomy (fibroid removal) five years ago. All my fibroids were intramuscular and the surgery didn't enter the endometrial cavity. In the meantime, I've had three saline histograms and an HSG - all normal as well as a million vaginal ultrasounds). Then I asked if he thought my previous surgery was an issue. He stared at me blankly. He hadn't reviewed my file - he had no idea. Then he read through the medical records on the procedure and said probably not - but who knows? Um, maybe you should have at least an idea, Dr. X. Just sayin...
I've also been curious about immunology and he had a speech about the hocus pocus of it all. Those were his words. At this point, I had decided that there was no way we would use him and then began to concentrate rather intently on the status of my manicure while my husband wrapped up the appointment. However, then he actually had something good to say about the ASRM guidelines on the # of embryos to transfer. He made a few really good points on the risks associated with twins and the high success rates they have with single transfers. I hadn't really considered this mainly because when we were using my old eggs I always thought we would be lucky if one stuck. Now with young eggs, it is much more likely.
He won me over ever so slightly with this point. I asked him about selecting a donor, specifically in house vs. agency. He rolled his eyes and said I should pick someone in house because donor agencies are a pain for them to work with and the donor doesn't have to look like me, does it? Okay - I'm done. The advantage of using DE IVF is that the donor can resemble me - or I at least have the option.
I tried to end the consult then, but for whatever reason he decided to make small talk with my husband. Back to the state of my manicure. We decided to meet with their donor coordinator since we were there. Then I found out we didn't qualify for shared risk because of my previous surgery. Awesome! That would have been great to know earlier; seems like that should have been listed in the eligibility requirements.
We are obviously not going there. I was hoping that it would be a no brainer since this clinic is in a much larger city than where we live --> more people = more donors. I'm overwhelmed by the donor agencies and the horror stories I read online. I am discouraged. I felt like I was a seasoned vet at this fertility stuff, but now I realize I'm just getting started.
Monday, September 12, 2011
How many is too many?
In the upcoming two weeks, I'm looking at two different clinics for donor eggs. One nearby with decent success rates and one further away with awesome success rates. The thing is I'm not in love with the donors at the nearby place - but maybe I shouldn't be? Can you fall in love with a donor? Based on this, I'm now thinking about meeting with another clinic in Chicago with average success rates but it's a much larger clinic. How many is too many?
Our plan is to meet with the physicians at these clinics and review the donors/pricing. Once we have all the info, we will compare the clinics and then decide. My WTF appt with my RE on IVF #2 is in October, I imagine we will start something around that time.
I spent the weekend looking at immunology/IF stuff and asking the magic eight ball if I should do another round with my own eggs. The most common response was Ask Again Later.
And I can't help wondering - what if I have a killer uterus? And if there is such a thing, why are there only like 12 doctors in all the US that treat this?
We had people over to watch football yesterday and then we watched the 9/11 special. There was some pregnancy talk earlier in the day and I was feeling down until I realized that my life could be a whole lot worse. So much worse. I promptly downloaded the Gratitude Journal for my i-Phone. I need to remember how lucky I am to be in this world :)
Hope everyone is enjoying the beginnings of autumn. It's 80 degrees here - I'll remember this day when there is snow on the ground!
Our plan is to meet with the physicians at these clinics and review the donors/pricing. Once we have all the info, we will compare the clinics and then decide. My WTF appt with my RE on IVF #2 is in October, I imagine we will start something around that time.
I spent the weekend looking at immunology/IF stuff and asking the magic eight ball if I should do another round with my own eggs. The most common response was Ask Again Later.
And I can't help wondering - what if I have a killer uterus? And if there is such a thing, why are there only like 12 doctors in all the US that treat this?
We had people over to watch football yesterday and then we watched the 9/11 special. There was some pregnancy talk earlier in the day and I was feeling down until I realized that my life could be a whole lot worse. So much worse. I promptly downloaded the Gratitude Journal for my i-Phone. I need to remember how lucky I am to be in this world :)
Hope everyone is enjoying the beginnings of autumn. It's 80 degrees here - I'll remember this day when there is snow on the ground!
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