Next steps

My beta was negative.  Not a huge surprise.  My husband was so disappointed - way more than ever before.  I felt so guilty, like I had let him down.  I'm used to him being so strong through all of this that when he actually got upset, I was shocked.  And honestly, I thought (selfishly) you need to be there for me, suck it up.  Then I realized how ridiculous I was being - infertility really fucks with your mind.  When did I become so selfish?  We're on this journey together - it's happening to us, not just me.

So where do we go from here?  I'm 90% certain that we will move on to donor eggs.  We have limited resources and I think this is our best shot at a take home baby.  I won't lie though - 10% is not sure.  And until I'm 100%, I can't move on.  I did make appts to talk to a doctor out of town with great donor egg rates and then one closer to home.  My WTF appt with my RE about IVF #2 isn't until October (I guess he's kind of busy...). 

When I think of donor eggs, I feel relieved.  I feel like all the pressure is off.  That feels really good.  But I'm only 35 - and that keeps fucking with my head (especially when all my 35 year old friends are getting pregnant with their first babies).  My husband wants to do another round with my eggs; the hail mary cycle.  I don't.  The shots, the ultrasounds, the disappointing results, and then the waiting for another negative after $15,000.  Ouch.  I just want a baby - and to be pregnant.  I know I will love any baby because it will be my baby - no matter where it comes from. 

I need to do immunology testing because I have Hashimoto's and a positive ANA (Titer was 320 - really positive, but other testing didn't show anything.  It's possible it's all the Hashimoto's). 

All I know for sure at this point is that it is not over.  I'm still moving forward until I get that baby.  Come along for the ride :)