I started a new job. It's not unusual for me to be in a meeting at said new job and either be wondering about my donor - Daphne- and how all that will work out OR having a hot flash. Lupron is not my friend. I go through spells that I have no issues with it, but then some days I have one hot flash after another for a couple of hours. I was also having bad headaches, but those seem to have stopped. One night, I had night sweats. That was super awesome.
I asked my husband (who is a MD) if maybe there was something wrong with me. He pointed me to the Lupron side effects and I grudgingly nodded. Lupron is like that girlfriend you have that you find yourself hanging out with even though she always says bad things to you. You just can't help it. My tummy is getting kind of sore. I started having my husband give the shots - he's a bit better with the needle.
The night I had woke up covered in sweat with my hair wet - I wondered if this was all worth it? I've gained weight, lost weight, been so depressed I couldn't leave the house, fought with my husband, had countless difficult conversations with friends/family, become intimate friends with all things ultrasound (perhaps another career in my future?), and had all kinds of people peering up my va-ja-jay. I mentioned this to my husband and asked if ever felt like that. Know what he said?
"I've really just had to jerk off in a room and make it into the cup." I fucking hate men.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
All Clear
Daphne (the nickname I've give our donor) is all clear. I start lupron on 1/7/12 and she'll start her medication sometime at the end of January depending on when she gets her period.
So far, I've been happy with our donor agency and our new doctor. Two hurdles I was scared of were that are donor would be fertile (it appears she is!) and she would be free of disease (she is!). And most of all that she would show up. I'm grateful that each of these hurdles has been passed with a relative amount of ease. It's exciting to think this might actually happen, but I don't let myself get too excited. This is a process. A very long process. Donor eggs give us more chances, with better eggs.
I start a new job on January 9. I'm hoping that it will distract me from all this DE IVF. It would be nice to be enthralled in something else for a bit.
I hope everyone is having a great New Year and best wishes on keeping those resolutions. I'm on day 2 and still going strong :)
So far, I've been happy with our donor agency and our new doctor. Two hurdles I was scared of were that are donor would be fertile (it appears she is!) and she would be free of disease (she is!). And most of all that she would show up. I'm grateful that each of these hurdles has been passed with a relative amount of ease. It's exciting to think this might actually happen, but I don't let myself get too excited. This is a process. A very long process. Donor eggs give us more chances, with better eggs.
I start a new job on January 9. I'm hoping that it will distract me from all this DE IVF. It would be nice to be enthralled in something else for a bit.
I hope everyone is having a great New Year and best wishes on keeping those resolutions. I'm on day 2 and still going strong :)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas from Debbie Downer
Man, sometimes I re-read my entries and think - Geez, what a Debbie Downer! My life is a little tumultuous right now and it's also the holidays - but please, let some holiday cheer bleed through.
I'm so thankful to have good friends and family in my life this holiday season. I've made holiday cookies, decorated the house/tree, and we're planning a fun party tomorrow. Life isn't so bad. Although I feel like I'm in a low point now, I know that eventually things will start to turn around.
I was watching an old Ellen DeGeneres stand up and she said one of the main things she'd gotten rid of in her life is the need for approval. She said she quit - but she had the patch to give her little burst every now and then when she really needed a fix. Funny right? I'm on the patch now too.
I hope Santa is extra good to every one and you have a very Merry Xmas!
I'm so thankful to have good friends and family in my life this holiday season. I've made holiday cookies, decorated the house/tree, and we're planning a fun party tomorrow. Life isn't so bad. Although I feel like I'm in a low point now, I know that eventually things will start to turn around.
I was watching an old Ellen DeGeneres stand up and she said one of the main things she'd gotten rid of in her life is the need for approval. She said she quit - but she had the patch to give her little burst every now and then when she really needed a fix. Funny right? I'm on the patch now too.
I hope Santa is extra good to every one and you have a very Merry Xmas!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
She's got good ovaries
My donor, whom I've named Daphne, went for her consult yesterday. My donor coordinator nurse told me that Daphne was very nice, professional, and overall lovely. She also told me that she is an opera singer. I now am picturing my kids as little Broadway stars - I can't help it!
We are still waiting for her blood work to come back, but the physical portion of her evaluation was good. She has 30 antral follicles. The last time I had this done, I had 6. I'm elated at her high number, but when I looked it up on Dr. Google, it said anything over 30 indicated PCOS and maybe poorer egg quality. Huh? So, now I'm doing the odd thing of worrying more about someone else's ovaries more than my own. Hopefully I'll talk to the donor coordinator today with the results of the blood test and we'll find out when we start. When I talked to her yesterday, she said I would be on full dose lupron. I was on microdose on IVF #2. I've heard it makes people a little wacky. I'm already pretty wacky - this should be fun!
It's the holidays and my house is filled with people. I'm not Scrooge, but I also don't buy into all this family togetherness and the most wonderful time of the year. People stress me out - my family makes me crazy. I get mostly tired during the holidays and wish for it all to be over soon. I think some of my morose has to do with our lack of children. I hope one day that I will have the family I've always longed for.
Wishing everyone a great holiday season filled with nice relatives and yummy food!
We are still waiting for her blood work to come back, but the physical portion of her evaluation was good. She has 30 antral follicles. The last time I had this done, I had 6. I'm elated at her high number, but when I looked it up on Dr. Google, it said anything over 30 indicated PCOS and maybe poorer egg quality. Huh? So, now I'm doing the odd thing of worrying more about someone else's ovaries more than my own. Hopefully I'll talk to the donor coordinator today with the results of the blood test and we'll find out when we start. When I talked to her yesterday, she said I would be on full dose lupron. I was on microdose on IVF #2. I've heard it makes people a little wacky. I'm already pretty wacky - this should be fun!
It's the holidays and my house is filled with people. I'm not Scrooge, but I also don't buy into all this family togetherness and the most wonderful time of the year. People stress me out - my family makes me crazy. I get mostly tired during the holidays and wish for it all to be over soon. I think some of my morose has to do with our lack of children. I hope one day that I will have the family I've always longed for.
Wishing everyone a great holiday season filled with nice relatives and yummy food!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Hope is in the trash
Our donor goes for her consult next week. That's almost a full month from her last date. The waiting is not so great - but it does help my pocketbook build up some $ in the meantime. We've met with our lawyer, reviewed and adjusted the contracts, and are basically good to go. I'm scared, nervous, excited, hopeful that all this will work out in the next few weeks - or rather months, really. I started doing this in September - talk about a long courtship :)
My sister in law lost the baby. Very sad. She went in for her 18 week check up and they couldn't find a heartbeat. She had to deliver the baby. It was 2 oz., a baby girl. They took lots of pictures with the baby and I hope that helped them. My mom had lots of opinions of what they should have done, shouldn't done. I wanted to tell her (and eventually did), that this was not about her. I think in the past I may have been just like my mom - full of opinions and thought I knew best. Infertility has taught me that everybody is doing their own thing. Just be supportive and don't give opinions. Love each other, don't judge (at least not aloud). I was so tired after the service. My mom exhausts me. She told me it was because my sister in law was older. Maybe. Maybe not. We don't know. But since my mom had my brother when she was almost 38 and my sister in law (and I) are 36 - maybe she should just shut the fuck up and say I'm so sorry for your loss.
The baby died around 12 weeks, but they didn't run any tests to find out why. They had a memorial service last week. When my husband and I were sitting in the service, I kept looking at all the kids around us and thinking how we're all miracles. It takes work to have kids, and even more work once you have them.
I've accepted a new job. This should make things very interesting. I think it will distract me - that's good. I need all the distractions I can get. I'm not clear on the number of doctor appointments I'll have to have with DE IVF - do I get monitored a few times just like the donor (for lining thickness?). For my previous two IVFs, I wasn't working and I didn't really have to juggle work/appointments. I can't wait for the do you have kids questions from everyone at my new job. That will be a fun time.
The holidays are tough. I'm not super close with my family - that's a bit of an understatement. I love them, they love me - but we have very little in common. I'm the black sheep, but in the best way possible. I'm lucky that my husband is very close to his family and they've become my family too. I miss my family, or rather the idea of my family. I do see my mom and brother and sometimes my sister - but, it's strained, weird, and uncomfortable. Growing up, I always wished for a close family (like the Cosby's), but sometimes that just isn't to be.
Each year I think that maybe this will be our last Xmas before we have a baby. Years ago, I bought an ornament that said Hope. It was my 'hope for a baby ornament.' This year I was excited to hang it on the tree because I felt like we really did have hope again. And then I remembered. I was pissed last year and I wrapped up the ornament and threw it in the trash. Yes, infertility makes me incredibly irrational. I don't find myself thinking that this could be our last year just the two of us. I just think it's Xmas. Maybe we'll have a baby next year, maybe we won't and we'll go to Hawaii. No more pressure. I'm just happy to be here, enjoying the good moments. I'm going to keep going until I get my family - one way or the other.
My cats helped me decorate the tree. Here's a picture of Darwin, the coolest cat around.
My sister in law lost the baby. Very sad. She went in for her 18 week check up and they couldn't find a heartbeat. She had to deliver the baby. It was 2 oz., a baby girl. They took lots of pictures with the baby and I hope that helped them. My mom had lots of opinions of what they should have done, shouldn't done. I wanted to tell her (and eventually did), that this was not about her. I think in the past I may have been just like my mom - full of opinions and thought I knew best. Infertility has taught me that everybody is doing their own thing. Just be supportive and don't give opinions. Love each other, don't judge (at least not aloud). I was so tired after the service. My mom exhausts me. She told me it was because my sister in law was older. Maybe. Maybe not. We don't know. But since my mom had my brother when she was almost 38 and my sister in law (and I) are 36 - maybe she should just shut the fuck up and say I'm so sorry for your loss.
The baby died around 12 weeks, but they didn't run any tests to find out why. They had a memorial service last week. When my husband and I were sitting in the service, I kept looking at all the kids around us and thinking how we're all miracles. It takes work to have kids, and even more work once you have them.
I've accepted a new job. This should make things very interesting. I think it will distract me - that's good. I need all the distractions I can get. I'm not clear on the number of doctor appointments I'll have to have with DE IVF - do I get monitored a few times just like the donor (for lining thickness?). For my previous two IVFs, I wasn't working and I didn't really have to juggle work/appointments. I can't wait for the do you have kids questions from everyone at my new job. That will be a fun time.
The holidays are tough. I'm not super close with my family - that's a bit of an understatement. I love them, they love me - but we have very little in common. I'm the black sheep, but in the best way possible. I'm lucky that my husband is very close to his family and they've become my family too. I miss my family, or rather the idea of my family. I do see my mom and brother and sometimes my sister - but, it's strained, weird, and uncomfortable. Growing up, I always wished for a close family (like the Cosby's), but sometimes that just isn't to be.
Each year I think that maybe this will be our last Xmas before we have a baby. Years ago, I bought an ornament that said Hope. It was my 'hope for a baby ornament.' This year I was excited to hang it on the tree because I felt like we really did have hope again. And then I remembered. I was pissed last year and I wrapped up the ornament and threw it in the trash. Yes, infertility makes me incredibly irrational. I don't find myself thinking that this could be our last year just the two of us. I just think it's Xmas. Maybe we'll have a baby next year, maybe we won't and we'll go to Hawaii. No more pressure. I'm just happy to be here, enjoying the good moments. I'm going to keep going until I get my family - one way or the other.
My cats helped me decorate the tree. Here's a picture of Darwin, the coolest cat around.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Waiting...
My doctor had to cancel my donor's appointment, so now we are waiting for her to re-schedule. We meet with our lawyer tomorrow to review the agency contract. It's a lot of waiting...and then more waiting.
We hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. My brother and his wife (who is almost exactly my age) are pregnant. She talked a lot about her pregnancy: how she feels, how this one is different than the other one, what she looks like, how she has stretch marks, etc, etc. When I invited them, I was a little nervous about how I would feel, you know the complete and utter angst of being around a pregnant woman when you want to be pregnant but can't be? Ya, that. I didn't feel that way. She talked about it, I asked questions, I sympathized with her, and then I ate some turkey. Have I disassociated from fertility? It's a weird feeling not to be obsessed with this all the time. Sure, it's on my mind and I do think about it - but I don't dwell on it all day and drive myself crazy with it anymore. I think I may have turned a corner. I can be around pregnant people.
On Friday, I actually hung out with my sister in law and it was fine too. My brother is 25 (yes, sister in law is significantly older) and has four kids - all small. By the time I left their house I was glad to not have kids. I was happy to be going to an adult get together with cocktails and no need for a babysitter. For once, I was happy with what I had, not longing for what others had.
I think some of this serenity stems from acceptance. For so much of my life, I've been pushing to control things. Not just fertility - all kinds of things, everything. I'm still climbing the mountain and learning more about myself everyday.
Please send Brave IVF Girl some love. She just completed her first DE IVF and ended up with a BFN. Life is so unfair sometimes, but I know she's going to get her happy ending. We all will.
We hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. My brother and his wife (who is almost exactly my age) are pregnant. She talked a lot about her pregnancy: how she feels, how this one is different than the other one, what she looks like, how she has stretch marks, etc, etc. When I invited them, I was a little nervous about how I would feel, you know the complete and utter angst of being around a pregnant woman when you want to be pregnant but can't be? Ya, that. I didn't feel that way. She talked about it, I asked questions, I sympathized with her, and then I ate some turkey. Have I disassociated from fertility? It's a weird feeling not to be obsessed with this all the time. Sure, it's on my mind and I do think about it - but I don't dwell on it all day and drive myself crazy with it anymore. I think I may have turned a corner. I can be around pregnant people.
On Friday, I actually hung out with my sister in law and it was fine too. My brother is 25 (yes, sister in law is significantly older) and has four kids - all small. By the time I left their house I was glad to not have kids. I was happy to be going to an adult get together with cocktails and no need for a babysitter. For once, I was happy with what I had, not longing for what others had.
I think some of this serenity stems from acceptance. For so much of my life, I've been pushing to control things. Not just fertility - all kinds of things, everything. I'm still climbing the mountain and learning more about myself everyday.
Please send Brave IVF Girl some love. She just completed her first DE IVF and ended up with a BFN. Life is so unfair sometimes, but I know she's going to get her happy ending. We all will.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Nervous
I haven't admitted this until now, but I am nervous. Really nervous. I've been trying not to really think about DE IVF - I've just been marking off all the things I must do to make this happen. Now that my donor goes for her evaluation this week, I'm freaking out. Not because I'm not sure about DE - that I am fine with and I've 100% accepted it. I'm even happy for it at times (especially around my crazy, dysfunctional family).
But I'm nervous about POAS and taking a beta. And seeing a negative. Again. I know that it's possible to not work the first time - as a logical person I know that. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. DE IVF is not cheap - we are lucky that it's even an option for us - and I've only budgeted for two times (fresh). My husband is not really interested in adoption at this point, nor am I - because I'd like to be involved in the pregnancy part. I'm not against adoption either - I'm just not there, yet.
This time in between my last IVF and the DE IVF - I've tried to work out and eat healthy. But, for the most part, I've failed. I haven't gained a ton of weight (maybe 10 lbs), but I just don't feel as good as I do when I'm working out every day and eating right. I'm drinking more than I should. I know all of this. And Friday night, my husband called me out on it. It hurt. I already knew- but I thought I had done a good job hiding it.
So, it's time to get on the wagon - for real this time. I think I just have to look at it one day at a time. When I think of it all together, I start to spin. I'm really good at spinning and obsessing. I'm even better at finding people that have repeated DE loss and then obsessing that what's wrong with them is wrong with me.
One day. Live in the now. Sounds easier than it really is.
But I'm nervous about POAS and taking a beta. And seeing a negative. Again. I know that it's possible to not work the first time - as a logical person I know that. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. DE IVF is not cheap - we are lucky that it's even an option for us - and I've only budgeted for two times (fresh). My husband is not really interested in adoption at this point, nor am I - because I'd like to be involved in the pregnancy part. I'm not against adoption either - I'm just not there, yet.
This time in between my last IVF and the DE IVF - I've tried to work out and eat healthy. But, for the most part, I've failed. I haven't gained a ton of weight (maybe 10 lbs), but I just don't feel as good as I do when I'm working out every day and eating right. I'm drinking more than I should. I know all of this. And Friday night, my husband called me out on it. It hurt. I already knew- but I thought I had done a good job hiding it.
So, it's time to get on the wagon - for real this time. I think I just have to look at it one day at a time. When I think of it all together, I start to spin. I'm really good at spinning and obsessing. I'm even better at finding people that have repeated DE loss and then obsessing that what's wrong with them is wrong with me.
One day. Live in the now. Sounds easier than it really is.
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